Boxes

I'm packing. I have been for the last week. I'm getting tired of it. A few weeks ago Jen and I cleaned out the drawers and the closet and under the beds, so I thought that I had gotten rid of a lot of stuff. I was mistaken. I've already filled 6 banana boxes (one and a half with cds), 4 large plastic bins (two with just books) and have barely finished my bedroom. I still have the bathroom, closet, and stuff people have given or are going to give me to pack still. Blech. And in the middle, I have to work. The reward will be well worth the hard work now, though.

Dale took mom and Jen and I to see the Rockettes tonight at the Bob Carr performing Arts Center. It was phenomanal!! My favorite was the toy soldier act that is so famous the world over. But at the end was the best part...they told the story of Christ's Birth. Complete with camels and sheep. In a day and age where so many people are leaving Christmas out of the season and turning their backs on the people that are hurting the most, it's heartwarming to see the few that are doing what we were commissioned to do. Go out and spread the gospel to everyone. If you can, go and see it before the end of the year.

Full

I am full. Not in the physical manner of eating too much when my family or friends gets togher, but in my soul. I move in to my apartement in a week. I am busily packing all of my childhood memories into boxes again and deciding which of them will be displayed in the space that is soon to be solely mine. I am so excited and so blessed to have people around me that are so willing and wanting to help me in this transitions. Work, while tough in many ways, is going well. I love being able to make such an impact on my patients, and knowing that I somehow touched them.

My siblings are doing well. Drea is pregnant (again!); Kent starts nursing school next month; Jen is busy acting and being a high school student; Mikey boy is growing up. He asked me to wrap a present for a girl that he likes, but asked me to not tell mom. :) I just smiled and remembered the hundreds of times that he and I watched Star Wars and Close Encounters of the the Third "Kite". Josiah is growing and is the apple of my eye. He makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy when he gives kisses and hugs and sings "LaLa"-- Matthew West's "Thirteen".

My friends couldn't be better. It's been a busy year--Meredith got married, Heather is engaged! I found Jeanne again, and grew closer to my friends at Overflow. We have exploded over the last year! We went from being just 12 of us hanging out on Dave and Rebecca's back porch to about 50 or so getting together every other week and seeing God's hand working in our generation. This is how the church is supposed to look.

God has been teaching me so many lessons. To be content with what I have. To find out who I am before I try to start dragging other people in. To be gracious, because He has been gracious to me. That in spite of my apparent lack of an interesting story, I do have a fantastic story, because God was ther for every step. Discipline isn't as hard to get as I thought it was.

The only thing lacking is the friends that are far away. I wish that ya'll could be here to share--I want so desperately to hear your stories and to laugh and cry with you. I promise that I will do better at updating from now on... ;) Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Ya'll!!

Thankfullness

What I'm Thankful For: (In no particular order)

My family Cold Winter Night
Old Friends Hot Summer Days
New Friends My Church
My job Overflow
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice cream Books
Candles People that challenge Me
Target Beth Moore
My new apartement The guys fighting for my Liberty
Love of those who love me The Pilgrims
Freedom My Salvation
America and my opportunity to bless it My Heavenly Father
Opportunity to be a Blessing to God The written word
Fresh Strawberries Louie Giglio
Music to soothe my soul at the end of a The Challenges that God brings my way
very bad day The Resolution of those challenges and Caramel Apple Cider the results that I learn
My Friends My Family
the things that break my heart My new apartement!!!
Friends getting married Friends having babies
My sister

And much, much more~ things too numerous to list here, but make my heart warm and glow. Things that make me realize that while I'm on this journey that God has put me on, there are things to enjoy that make it pleasant and happy, even though they are temporary. The things I am most thankful for--That God loved me so much that He sent His SON to die for me, and that they are protecting me and watching me and want more from me than I am aware that I am capable of. And that I am blessed more than I could ever imagine because of it.
~Happy Thanksgiving!~

Life...Cnt'd

Good news...I signed on my very own apartement last night!! It's a small one bedroom. About 550 square feet. I move in on December 23. An early Christmas present to myself. But, it will be mine. Mine to do whatever I want. I will be able to decorate it in a uniquely me way. Probably beach or very dark, jewel tones that feel homey and safe and remind me of fall all year long.

I am going to be an aunt...again. I love my Josiah ( I call him Siah), I'm not sure how I could love another little Siah nearly as much. But somehow, I'm sure that the little edition will fit into our family just fine, and just in time for summer trips on the boat and to the beach.

The not so good... there is an all out war between the guys and the girls. The last episode involved triple antibiotic ointment and 5 very unsuspecting girls at 2:30 in the morning. I think we all collectively quit maturing around age 15. Always be on gurard. :0)

My lovely laptop died...the mother board got tired and sick. The blue stallion can't be fixed. :0( However, I do now have a nice, fast desktop that is nearly even more lovely.

Life is good. Busy and occupied and filled with people and experiences that for the most part, I love. Even though there will always be a few that aren't so lovely and fun and painless even they have their places and their puroposes in my life in growing me and making into the person that God wants me to be. This is my focus. In spite of what I may say in joking around. John Piper challenges me to my core.

Jack is playing. He and the Hillsong United cd are my soundtrack to life right now. I think that makes for a pretty good life. ;P

Life

So, it's been a while since I've written here. I've been busy. Orientation in the ICU is going great!!! I love it. I love being able to see the people go from being really sick to getting much better. It's fun with all of the challenges that are presented every shift. Work, is good.

My leg though, is not so good. I scraped it on Kent's weight machine. It drew blood and now it's all red and green and pretty gross for an ICU nurse. :O)

Haven't read any books lately... any suggestions?

I'm still in the hunt for an apartement. I'm on the waiting list at Carlton Arms--just waiting on the phone call. Anyone got any free furniture I can have?

The fun part is that I've been hanging out with the crew--a lot. And the crew is growing. I caught up with my friend Jeanne at Pier 1 over the white coffee mugs that screamed hot chocolate or chicken lo mein, depending on what day it is. It was weird to think that we met in high school and now she and Ashley are married (Ashley is pregnant) and Heather is engaged. We haven't had Wednesday afternoon lunch with Jon and Ryan Dupre in about 3 years. But changes are sometimes good.

Why I Became a Nurse

At the risk of sounding cheesy and not meaning to depress everyone, these are the reasons I became a nurse...to hold the hand of a dying woman as she came to that realization and I along with her doctor had to break the news to her and her husband and daughter. To fan the face of a man who is scared to death of what may come next-surgery or go home. To comfort the families of my patients who in many cases are even more afraid of what is to come. To be more to my patients that I take care of every night than that "ghost" who popped in our 4:00 in the morning to give them their pain medications.

I took care of a patient today whose body is riddled with cancer--in her thyroid, her esophagus, and her liver. She is juandiced and her liver isn't working anymore. Now, she has an infection in her colon and lungs. She is coming around to dealing with this, her family, however, is completely in denial of everything that is going on. He is convinced that she will get out of the bed and breathe on her own and walk away and get chemo thereapy and everything will be peaches and cream. Unfortuanetly, the heartbreaking part of my job is that i had to discuss with her family and her that the treatments we are giving her are basicaly futile- they are doing her no good. Only harming her further. That there is nothing I, or the doctors can give her that will make all of this horrible, awful stuff go away. And even worse, that she won't be physically strong enough to make the trip back to Philadelphia where her family is.

This isn't the part I love. That part was when I was able to just stand there and hold her hand and rub her shoulders and let her cry. To tell her that it's okay to cry and be angry. To be able to tell her, along with her doctor (whom I adore) that there are things that we can do to make her more comfortable. To be so involved with her care and to know that they trust us to inform them of this horrible news.

I love my new job. I love being able to be so involved with their care and knowing so much about them. Anyways, that was my week. I hope ya'll had a good week.

Today was my first day on the ICU. I showed up at 6:30 this morning. I haven't been up that early in I don't know how long. My preceptor is a little bit intense and we had the sickest patient in the unit. This guy is 41 and nearly all of his systems are shutting down. He is on a ventilator and continuous dialysis, and his ex-wife works on the unit. We spent all day working on him, trying to help him get better. Then around 2:00, his family made the decision to let him go. His 15 year old son was able to come up and tell his dad good-bye and be at peace that we had done all that we could do to make him better. His mom and sister and brother were all there to comfort him and hold his hand and not allow him to leave alone. It was a less than ideal situation to walk in on for my first day. As much as I love my job and my career, for the first time I wondered if this is for me. Can I really handle everything that is included with coming to the ICU and having this intense of patients. But then, my patient's ex-wife, a virtual stranger, told me thanks for everything that I did for them. I still can't get his son's eyes out of my head.


Because of this, I want to value my friends and my family even more. I want to take my relationships to the next level. I want to get to know my friends even more than I already do. I don't want to feel so alone during a bad time, that the only outlet I can find is in alcohol. I don't want to be so alone that I lose sight of what is most important to me--my friends, my family, those closest to me. I want everyone to know how important and valuable they are to me. I'll find ways to make it known...

Chapters

This is a day sooner than I thought it would be. Last night was the end of an era. My last night on CSP/IVC. On Monday morning at 7:00, I start on ICU. It was a good era. One that gave me many experiences that I'll never forget. I learned the skills that I need to be a great nurse and to be an effective nurse. I've made friends and co-workers that I'll have forever. I've learned lessons that will be with me until the end of my career. I'm nervous, and anxious, and not really sure what's going to happen or what I'm going to encounter. But, and excited and ready to take the next steps in my career and fulfill a dream that I've had since I was a little girl. More to come on Monday!

Dreams

Grandpa had a stent placed in his heart yesterday. So mom and I spent the day there. It was weird in an out-of-body-experience sort of way. I witnessed what my patients go through every day. The good thing is that he said that he was breathing easier and his chest felt better.
After that, I went and helped Joy finish moving into her first apartement. It was fun. Helping one of my closest friends set up house and put away her new Pier 1 napkins and mugs that match the gorgeaus dishes that her great-grandmother used. We went to Wal-Mart and bought the boring, mundane things that are necessary, and expensive, and yet terribly good looking to me right now.
I want my own place very badly. And yet somehow, I just can't quite seem to get there. I have dreams of blue Fiesta Wear Dishes that match the rug that also match the bedspread (all of which I've already bought) that I desperately want to go into the apartement that has my name on the lease.
Someday, hopefully by my Birthday, I'll be able to sign a lease on an apartement that has my name on the lease. In the meantime, I'm focusing on the little things-buying towels that match my shower curtain. :-)

Makin'BannanaPancakes... and Turkey Meatloaf

Yesterday was the monthly day off for the crew. We drove for an hour to DeLeon Springs to eat bananna pancakes that we made ourselves at the Old Spring Mill restaurant. We put banannas and chocolate chips and blueberries on them and ate bacon and sausage and eggs with them. I had a religious moment over my first taste of caffeine of any kind for nearly 12 hours... after working for 12 hours. Michelle, as always was very good and drank water. Then, we drove back to Spring Glen and stayed there for the afternoon, freezing ourselves to death. Literally. We talked about everything and nothing. We planned for last night, this weekend, and the future in and everything in between. And we listened to Jack. Our friend in every situation.

Then we headed back home and cooked dinner for the boys...Jason and Peter and Justin. We cooked them turkey meatloaf with mozzerella cheese and onions, and parsley; fresh broccoli, beans and rice and fresh french bread. For dessert we made Mandarin delight. It was excellent. We had so much fun just talking and hanging out and getting to know each other better. To show them that women can be "old fashinoned" and cook dinner, and still be smart and witty and independent. It was fun. We are planning to do it again next month.

The anxiety is setting in about going to the unit. I'm scared to death. I'm officially off the schedule for CVU...but not quite on the schedule for ICU. I'm jobless, in a very technical way. :-} It's getting overwhelming to think about the level of responsibility that is going to be on me. The days of shipping off the sick people will be gone...I'll be taking care of the sickest people. There is so much I have to do to get ready. Classes I have to take, books to buy...sigh. But, I'm ready. And I know that my friends and family will be there to help me out along the way. The journey goes on... the journey to Ithaca.

Just Beyond the Horizon

The horizon is here...I interviewed with Mike in the ICU today. I got it!!!! I start in about 2 or 3 weeks depending on what can be negotiated between my floor now and ICU. I can't stop smiling. I had no idea that he would tell me today, before I even left his office. It was just so casual and sort of off the cuff. Just, "Hmm. How does 2 weeks sound to you?" "Works for me. I can get everything done by then". "Beth? How does that sound for you?". And I've got a new home. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Horizon

It's that time again...to look to the horizon. To the things to come, the unknown, the part that I am notorious for attempting to avoid at nearly every cost. This time, however, I'm breaking tradition and breaking out of the box. I'm chasing adventure and the unknown--I'm leaving a very comfortable place. That place is a very good job on a floor that is similiar to a "B" list celebrity, and going to a place, that while it is excellent in its own right, slightly resembles hundreds of thousands like it.

I'm interviewing for a position in the ICU tomorrow morning at 9:00 A.M.! This is somthing that I've wanted for several years now, and have been attempting to acitively pursue. Now it's here. {sigh} I've been praying about this for about week when Joy first told me about the opening. Now, less than a week later, I'm interviewing for the position. It's so fast. I'm trying not to catch my chickens before they hatch, but it's sooo hard. Especially not knowing who the competition is. I need lots of prayer!!

Fall

I am exhausted. I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in one time in I don't know how long. I'm working full time, on a busy floor. It was a horrible week. I had one patient die and another that we almost coded. One guy went balistic on us--yelling and cursing and needing to have a psychological evaluation instead of cardiac nurses that want to see him get better. We've banded together like we've hung in there together before. On top of that, I started back to school last week. I'm finishing my Bachelor's degree. I have assignments an papers due this week that I haven't even started on yet. Someone needs to start looking for that large hole in my head...

What is going miraculously well is how my community has banded together in ways that are unprecedented. The Church at the Springs raised over $17,000 last week for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. We also sent 6 semi-trucks to the region full of supplies-water, food, clothing, shoes, etc. Families, other churches, corporations all sent things to the church for us to send to those in need on their behalves. We are also going to assisst over 100 families that have been displaced to come to our home and resettle here. We are going to mentor them and show them the ropes of the area. The Church, the Bride of Christ, is becoming a light, a city on a hill that is shining bright to all of those around us. We are embodying Paul's dream for the church. We are becoming to our community, town, county, state, country what God wanted the church to be.

I am also learning so much. I am learning through one of my favorite people ever, Beth Moore, that faith isn't only moving and going, but occassionally, it is staying still and letting God move your spirit and waiting until I am more ready to be moved physically. God used Rahab to save His servants. She didn't wait until she had her act cleaned up...she followed now in spite of what others thought of her. I want that faith. I want to be that brave and courageous and full of faith. Because God's Word is Alive and Active in me!!

We're going to cook dinner for the boys this week. I'm excited to be able to spend time with them in this kind of a setting. No pressure, no timeframes, just a chance to hang out and get to know each other better. I'm praying and thinking for Christy and the changes that are going on in her life. And for Joy and the house chnage she's about to make, and for Chelle and her move into her apartment(yeah!), and for Brandon and Amanda and their desires to have a child...that God's will would be done for them. I hope that they all have a wonderful week.

In The Aftermath

My heart aches for the thousands, millions, of people who are homeless, and hurting in the southeast. I've watched for hours the heartbreak, the desperation, the wanting of people just to know what is happening with them. My heart aches for the way of life that will never again be the way it was. The areas I visited two years ago on vacation are desemated and forever changed. What was once an on ramp for I-10 is down a launching ramp for boats on search and rescue missions. The grand homes that represented the grand and regal past of Mississippi's past are dwindled down to nothing more than fire kindling. My very soul aches for the souls that are stuck in hospitals without electricity or running water, and not knowing where there families are. I'm lost for words and emotions for them. They will be in my prayers.

It's Saturday night and the end of a tumultuous week. It's been challenging.
In a couple of incidences, I've had to decide what was important to me.
I've had to be someone I don't really like.
I've had to be broken and hurt by people I don't really like to be hurt by.
I've had to evalaute why I do things.

I dont' really like these weeks, because I don't really like to change and stretch and grow over things like this. I prefer the growth the requires trying new breeds of coffee at Starbuck's, or a new restaurant in town, or going to a friends house without directions for the first time. But, with the help of the ever wise, and insightful Beth Moore, the woman who has the red-direct line to God-woman, this is the only way my faith and my walk will ever grow into the walk I want it to be. Until then, I won't be the person God wants me to be; thus, I won't be the person I want to be.

I feel like I'm in an awarkward situation--the type where the gym teacher expects you to dance with the boy you have a crush on, and you suddenly develop the world's worst case of sweaty palms. The weird part is, I don't know why I feel this way. Hopefully, I'll figure it all out one day. Joy told me today that she is probably going to Brazil in October on a medical missions trip. I'm excited for her--honestly. I just wish that I could go on something like this. I just don't know how to find out about, get in touch with people who know about such things. I've just been feeling so frustrated and anxious lately.

Pray for me. More importantly, pray for my friend, Judy. She found out on Thursday that she has colon cancer. She's had many health scares this year, and is very discouraged. I love ya'll.

Love and Miracles

I'm doing a Beth Moore study with Joy and Michelle--Believing God. She's trying to teach us about faith and trusting God,and Believing Him--not just IN Him. I'm learning alot. Ron says that we should be transparent, so, I'm going to be.

The main part of my walk that I struggle with the most is not having a "significant other" (S.O. as we referred to it nursing school). When I look at my life, it seems as though that is the only thing that is missing. The boy. However, I finished reading Francine Rivers' book Redeeming Love last week and I learned so much from it. I learned that the kind of love and life that I want does exist out there. That is the kind of love that God ordained for us to have and to strive for--a living example of his love for us. Unconditional; forgiving; never-ending; giving, never taking; pure; unassuming; a kind of love that may take a while to surface. If this is what God has wating on me, I just pray that I have the patience to wait for and to not settle for something less than what is in his plan.

The second is miracles. Being in the health care field it is sometimes hard for me to say that something is a "miracle". I tend to be skeptical about it. But, every once in a while something will pop up that makes me wonder and sets me in awe. Praise God for 2 of His most recent miracles. My friends Jon and Brandi Fugate reported last week that an expected mother's child has been healed from multiple brain cysts that were threatening her life. And Heather Hagood's grandmother has been healed again from breast cancer. To steal the line from Heather--He parted the Red Sea again. Praise Him!!

Los Angeles

I finally went on a road trip with my friends. Michelle, Joy, and I went to Los Angeles last week. We flew out of Tampa on Monday the first and spent seven glorious days in sunny, hot, dry southern California. Michelle's sister, Deanna, lives there and she was gracious enough to let 3 crazy girls crash with her for a week. We visited all of the required touristy spots--Mullholland Drive and the Hollywood sighn, Grauman's Chinese Theatre, the Kodak Theatre, and Hollywood Blvd, Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive, the Santa Monica pier and the 3rd St. Promenade, we hiked in the Westlake area on a trail called Paradise Falls. Just to name a few.

We made bead bracelets for our Beth Moore study and relaxed at the pool reading various books that we have passed between the 3 of us at least once already. We ate off of each other's plates in a way that some may consider grotesquely. We at fabulous restaruants like the Cheesecake Factory and Benni Hanna's and P.F. Changs, and CPK ( California Pizza Kitchen for all of you eastcoasters). We made new friends and rebonded as old friends. People that were acquantainces are now good friends. The proof are the blackmailish pictures of us sleeping at various points on the plane rides.

Chelle put it the best way--we are a crew. Watch out Traveling Pant Girls and Brazil--here we come!!!!

Overflow

I just got back from the Cracker Barrell. Ordinarily, this wouldn't have been that newsworthy of an event. However, I wasn't with ordinary people. I was with the crew from Overflow. The best thing about this group is that no matter what, we laugh. We laugh corporatly, individualy, in small groups. We laugh about ongoing jokes, whatever happened that night, inside jokes about ourselves, we (mostly) laugh at Peter's wild antics and willingness to do anything for a buck. Including singing "I'm a Little Teapot" for all of the patrones in Cracker Barrell. These are the things that are not only forever captured on Joy's digital camera, but in our memories for years to go.

I am vested in this group. It means so much to me. Working in a field that is mainly female dominated, and where most of my co-workers are the same age of my parents or grandparents, being able to hang out with and bond with, and more importantly grow with, a group of people that are my age, and who want to grow in Christ's love is so amazing to me. I feel privileged to know them. I am challenged by them every week and miss them when I'm not able to hang out with them. I look forward to the changes that we are about to embark on. I see it challenging us to be better people than we already are. I committed about a year ago to be dedicated to this group on a hot and muggy late August evening on Dave and Rebecca's back porch. I am renewing this committment sitting here at my computer tonight.

In spite of the changes that we are about embark on at our one year mark, I see our little group growing into something bigger than even we can imagine. I also see us growing closer and bonding over many more $1 dares that involve Peter and random men in restaurants. I love you guys. And I look forward to getting to ya'll better.

Days In and Days Out

It's been an interesting week. I worked 5 of 7 days. They were some of the longest days that I've worked in a while. Lots of very sick people. I called lots of doctors and tried to settle lots of people. It didn't always work so well. But that week is over. As everyone kept telling me...I've worked hard, and learned lots. I guess that that is what it's all about. Being a rookie nurse and all. It's just hard still, trying to deal with all of the dynamics that go into my job. But I think that it's going better.

I learned that I have great friends. Erika and Terry offered me a couch and tables when I move out and Dave and Rebecca offered a double bed. All of this for virtually nothing! I am blessed. I have great Family and great friends. Then, on Friday night, we went to Daytona. Me and mom and Dale and Michael took Josiah to the beach for the very first time. It is always a joy to see things the way kids do for the first time. Just the awesomeness of the expanse and power of the ocean is overhwelming. Let alone from the eyes of a one year old. He is so much fun to be around. He makes me confident tha I want to be a mom one day. One Day. Even though it is summer, the days come and the days go, but at their own pace and rhythm.

Juniper Run

Yesterday, I canoed down Juniper Run with the group from Overflow. Well, Peter and a new girl Amanda canoed I just sat there and tried my hardest not to make us flip over. I felt like a kid in a VERY long and exceptionally dangerous Disney World ride. It would have been in Epcot, not Magic Kingdom.

We started out doing fine. I wasn't getting that wet...just the occassional splash as Peter switched his oar from one side of the boat to the other. Then, things started getting interesting. The river was extremely high, so nearly every tree that normaly you just float on under we had to lie down flat in the boat to navigate under. There were trees jutting up that somehow we kept getting stuck in the middle of them. We were the only boat that kept getting stuck in them.

A little over half way through, we navigating a around and overtop and underneath yet another tree. So Peter trying to be the gentleman he is got out of the canoe and was trying to direct us around it from the outside. So, he did and we were on the other side and the poor guy is doing the best he can to get back into the boat and here comes Raegan and Jayson. As I was trying to form the word "Stop!!" in my mind, they T-Boned us. We swayed from one side(taking on water), so I tried to balance us the other to the other side. Well, apparantely so was Amanda, so we took on even more water. My gut reaction was to go back to the other side. That was the proverbial straw the cut the camel's back, because here we go with me in the middle, Peter half in way, and Amanda just kinda unknowingly swaying us back and forth.

We lost everything. Peter's and Amanda's sandals go floating downstream, but Jimmy caught them. My cooler, Peter's bag with his phone it, and Amanda's shirt we just kinda everywhere. I look up and there is Jayson, just laughing. Laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. Suddenly it was all that I could do. I laughed so hard I couldn't stand up straight. I'm sure this was much to Peter's chagrin,as he and Jon are trying to flip the boat back over. Then, I sorta panicked, because, at 4'11" it's hard to just flip your leg over the wall of a boat that is at 4'10". So, I did it the "hard core way" as Peter put it--just belly flop into the boat and pray hard that you don't flip back the other way.

All in all it was a great day. Joy and Raegan, and Jason, adn I lauged about it for hours at dinner at Sonny's over dinner. The best part is that we bonded. As friends, we made memories that will forever tie us together. I will never forget the Saturday afternoon that Peter and this girl Amanda and I flipped our canoe in the middle of the Juniper Run.

Summertime

I feel lost. Like part of me is missing. My little sister (who just happens to be taller than me) left on Sunday to go to Baltimore. As I sit wrtitting this she is hovering somewhere over us on her way to Singapore where she will arrive sometime tomorrow morning. Jen is on her way to Papua New Guinea with our great aunt Dot. She will be gone for 6 weeks.

I miss her already. It's weird going to bed at night and her not being there. I keep thinking that I'll just pretend she's at camp, but then she'll call us and tell us what a great time she's having. Then I remember that she's not at camp, but on her way to a place on the exact opposite side of the earth.

She will have a wonderful time. She will meet new people and have experiences that will help define her for the rest of her life and she will grow as a person and in her walk with Christ. She will never forget this for the rest of her life. But for me, this marks a milestone. We are officially growing up. I am looking at apartments, she has a passport and is somewhere that I have never been before,and probably never will be.

We are slowly creating our own lives that are not as intertwined as closely as they once were. But I've realized that she means more to me than I ever imagined. She is my sister. We are bound together for better or for worst. But, more importantly, to me, we choose to be bound and I am glad she is having this experience, and I am proud of the person she is becoming.

WooHoo

I am unoffically a student of USF's School of Nursing!!!! I got the letter from the people that process the paperwork with all of the paperwork that has to be filled out. Shot records, do you have insurance, can you be cleared medically? etc. So, the first challenge is to get all of this filled out, sent in, and to blunder my way in to Tampa for orientation the first day I get back from LA. So, I'm just waiting for the Offically, pretty letter that will be framed on my wall.

Lukewarm

We went on vacation this week. We pulled into our front drive at 9:20 pm, and I pulled back out...again at 9:48. Off in search of the perfect pizza to top off a long week of being scrunced in too tight with too many people in a really little place. I have a mild case of sun poisoning on my arms and lower legs, but it'll be okay. I'm a beach bum.

Something struck me hard this week. Harder than the oncoming hurricane season that has already reared its ominous head this year. As I was scrunced and twisted and convorted in a small shower stall in our bathroom that only an infant or small child could fit into and actually shave their legs in without looking like a marionette doll, I was continously fighting with the temerature of the water. At one second it was scaldingly hot. The next millisecond I was shivering because it was much too cold. Standing there stark naked in this microspopic shower stall with my sister banging on the door to "hurry it up!", it hit me...

All this time I've been questioning my Salvation. Am I really saved? Can 4 year olds be saved? or do they have to wait? have I just been playing lip service all of these years. But the answer came to me on a windy night in North Myrtle Beach. I shouldn't be questioning my salvation, but rather the degree of my Christianity. I have been lukewarm for so many days, months, years, that I have forgotten what it means to be on fire, scaldingly hot for God. I've been coasting around, just barely getting by. As much and as passionately as I hate taking lukewarm showers, God hates my lukewarm-ness maginified a million-fold.

I can't seem to get this out of my head. It has continually been coming back to me. I've never experienced some of the things that other Christ-followers say that you have to have to be a "good Christian"...I don't hear God speaking directly to me, I cant' write songs or poems, I'm horrible a journaling everyday, and I have this genetic phobia about sharing things that are private. But, on the way home this afternoon/evening/night (it was an 8 hour trip home), mom told me and assured me as only my mother can, that this is okay. Dad would never talk about his walk, God hasn't left, He know exactly where I am, and that most importantly,and the thing I think gets lost the most along the way...everyone's walk is as different as their salvation story, or their thumbprint, and every other quirk that makes us...us.

Holiness

My small group and I are reading a book called Returning to Holiness by Dr. Gregory Frizzell. It was intended to be a pre-emptive cleansing period for churches and pastors before revivals. We are using it as our Bible study for the summer.

The first section that we covered was on the sins of thoughts. Not just those obvious ones that we, as Christians are ashamed of because we know that they are wrong, but on those thoughts that we don't take time to consider there origin, the motives behind them, and the alternatives that we could be thinking about instead. I confess that there are many times that I don't do this. I fill my brain, and subsequently my heart, with the excessiveness of this world and the waste that goes with it. I rarely take time to spend the energy focusing on God and all that He has blessed me with in the 22 years that I have spent on this world.

I strive to be as authentic of a person that I can be. I want (and need) to take the time to consciencely audit my thoughts. The old adage of garbage in, garbage out is taking on a whole new meaning. I don't want to be fake. I want God to take a hold of my life in a whole new way, in a whole new meaning than ever before. I believe that I am on the road in that direction. I need the steadfastness of God's hands to sustain me. Hold me, Father, to the contract that I signed in my heart, when I was a young girl. Hold onto me in all that I do.

Desires

I finished reading this book by John Eldredge that my friend Amy told me about a few years ago. I don't know why I never read before now, but anyways. I learned alot and am still learnign stuff about myself through this book. I am finding out that I have left alot of my desires in the wayside because I, once again, feel this desire to have to be in control of something. I have a desire to go to Africa and I feel that this is something God wants me to do in my heart. Howevre, my idealistic, practical brain that worries about stuff like money and wierd diseases and time off from work keeps telling my heart to put it aside. I've been dealing with this for several years now, and I'm really no closer to the Congo or Johannesburg than I was then. What giveswithme?
C.S. Lewis wrote "We are half-hearted creatures. Fooling around with drink, and sex, and ambition. When infinite joy is offered us. Like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum, because he cannot imagine what is meant by a holiday at the sea. We ar far too easily pleased." I know that I am easily pleased with things like weekends at the Lake or on the boat, with complacency with my walk with God, with the mediocrity of my relationships with those around me. The desires that God placed within me are there for a purpose. To glory Him and to bring praise to Him. Am I doing that? Is He proud of what He sees when he looks down at me?
Anyways, just a series of thought to send out into nowhere.

Isiah 46

A good friend of mine e-mailed some notes that someone else sent to her. They dealt with Isiah 64. (Read it if you haven't). The theme of the scripture, and the e-mail, was the idols that we place in our lives. For the Hebrews, it was idols of Bel and others. Today, it's our possessions. Our ipods, clothes, cars, cd collections, computers, even the unexpected things like our "ministries" and our "quiet times". We, or at least I, have a tendency to put these things above our walk with God. We are too busy talking to Him and giving him our list of things that we want and think we need to take the time to listen to Him. So, then, my question to myself, and to whomever may be reading this, is what are my idols? What are the things that are holding me back in my walk with God? Is my love of music? My love of film? My love of the written and spoken word? More than likely part of it is my general laziness. My lack of discipline to strive for the one thing that I say matters the most to me. My apparent slothfulness CAN be overcome. I'm convinced. It's been overcome before and is being overcome in other areas. Verse 4, God makes a statement-- "I will sustain you, and I will rescue you". My goal--to rely on God to help me identify what I put above Him so that it can be removed. Because, no matter what I face, no matter what stands in the way, God is here to hold me up and be my stronghold. I want to be like King Josiah--I want to pulverize and crush the idols in my life. Loveya'll Beth

Community

I think I'm in a weird space right now. I just finished talking to a good friend of mine and we talked a lot about community. It seems to be common theme with us. Why is it that we can hang out together, eat at Sonny's or Applebees and talk about things that are fun and be silly. We say that we want to have deep, meaningful relationships. And yet, we run as far away as possible when it comes to committing to those relationships. I'm not just talking about male-female, but having an accountability partner(s). A person or people that keep us accountable to the things we do and say. I ordered a book tonight called Returning to Holiness. It's about becoming humble before God and using prayer and evangelism to become the people that He wants us to be.