Why I Became a Nurse

At the risk of sounding cheesy and not meaning to depress everyone, these are the reasons I became a nurse...to hold the hand of a dying woman as she came to that realization and I along with her doctor had to break the news to her and her husband and daughter. To fan the face of a man who is scared to death of what may come next-surgery or go home. To comfort the families of my patients who in many cases are even more afraid of what is to come. To be more to my patients that I take care of every night than that "ghost" who popped in our 4:00 in the morning to give them their pain medications.

I took care of a patient today whose body is riddled with cancer--in her thyroid, her esophagus, and her liver. She is juandiced and her liver isn't working anymore. Now, she has an infection in her colon and lungs. She is coming around to dealing with this, her family, however, is completely in denial of everything that is going on. He is convinced that she will get out of the bed and breathe on her own and walk away and get chemo thereapy and everything will be peaches and cream. Unfortuanetly, the heartbreaking part of my job is that i had to discuss with her family and her that the treatments we are giving her are basicaly futile- they are doing her no good. Only harming her further. That there is nothing I, or the doctors can give her that will make all of this horrible, awful stuff go away. And even worse, that she won't be physically strong enough to make the trip back to Philadelphia where her family is.

This isn't the part I love. That part was when I was able to just stand there and hold her hand and rub her shoulders and let her cry. To tell her that it's okay to cry and be angry. To be able to tell her, along with her doctor (whom I adore) that there are things that we can do to make her more comfortable. To be so involved with her care and to know that they trust us to inform them of this horrible news.

I love my new job. I love being able to be so involved with their care and knowing so much about them. Anyways, that was my week. I hope ya'll had a good week.

Today was my first day on the ICU. I showed up at 6:30 this morning. I haven't been up that early in I don't know how long. My preceptor is a little bit intense and we had the sickest patient in the unit. This guy is 41 and nearly all of his systems are shutting down. He is on a ventilator and continuous dialysis, and his ex-wife works on the unit. We spent all day working on him, trying to help him get better. Then around 2:00, his family made the decision to let him go. His 15 year old son was able to come up and tell his dad good-bye and be at peace that we had done all that we could do to make him better. His mom and sister and brother were all there to comfort him and hold his hand and not allow him to leave alone. It was a less than ideal situation to walk in on for my first day. As much as I love my job and my career, for the first time I wondered if this is for me. Can I really handle everything that is included with coming to the ICU and having this intense of patients. But then, my patient's ex-wife, a virtual stranger, told me thanks for everything that I did for them. I still can't get his son's eyes out of my head.


Because of this, I want to value my friends and my family even more. I want to take my relationships to the next level. I want to get to know my friends even more than I already do. I don't want to feel so alone during a bad time, that the only outlet I can find is in alcohol. I don't want to be so alone that I lose sight of what is most important to me--my friends, my family, those closest to me. I want everyone to know how important and valuable they are to me. I'll find ways to make it known...

Chapters

This is a day sooner than I thought it would be. Last night was the end of an era. My last night on CSP/IVC. On Monday morning at 7:00, I start on ICU. It was a good era. One that gave me many experiences that I'll never forget. I learned the skills that I need to be a great nurse and to be an effective nurse. I've made friends and co-workers that I'll have forever. I've learned lessons that will be with me until the end of my career. I'm nervous, and anxious, and not really sure what's going to happen or what I'm going to encounter. But, and excited and ready to take the next steps in my career and fulfill a dream that I've had since I was a little girl. More to come on Monday!

Dreams

Grandpa had a stent placed in his heart yesterday. So mom and I spent the day there. It was weird in an out-of-body-experience sort of way. I witnessed what my patients go through every day. The good thing is that he said that he was breathing easier and his chest felt better.
After that, I went and helped Joy finish moving into her first apartement. It was fun. Helping one of my closest friends set up house and put away her new Pier 1 napkins and mugs that match the gorgeaus dishes that her great-grandmother used. We went to Wal-Mart and bought the boring, mundane things that are necessary, and expensive, and yet terribly good looking to me right now.
I want my own place very badly. And yet somehow, I just can't quite seem to get there. I have dreams of blue Fiesta Wear Dishes that match the rug that also match the bedspread (all of which I've already bought) that I desperately want to go into the apartement that has my name on the lease.
Someday, hopefully by my Birthday, I'll be able to sign a lease on an apartement that has my name on the lease. In the meantime, I'm focusing on the little things-buying towels that match my shower curtain. :-)